luck with self

i’ve become aware 
of how i respond to the world
realizing that every excursion
into the past
is convoluted by self deception

i have an opportunity to grow
but only if 
i can get comfortable with emptiness

life itself is at the helm
i am merely at its mercy

this
  will not help me grow bigger
  sex is nothing without trust

this
  will not help me separate my identity
  from what i do for work

i risk personal health in the name of arrogance,
i own up to impatience,
i want something to happen.